A Quarters Worth of Humor

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You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

A Quarter's Worth of Humor

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead? You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy! Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. You have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run. You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.


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Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

Quarters Taped Together

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions. Redman sends you a Christmas card. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year," You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve You own at least 20 baseball hats. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.

Compilation of President Reagan's Humor from Selected Speeches, 1981-89

The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Is the Treasury recalling one state's quarters because they're jamming coin slots?

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it. When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

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You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end" "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set? You'd rather catch bass than get some if you can't guess Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

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You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby! The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire Ya celebrate groundhog day cause ya believe in it!! You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something! When a sign that says "Say No To Crack! Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.